I’m thinking about home.  Even though I may sometimes not act like it I think about home a lot and miss it tons.  My little brother Peter would say that’s not true and that really I hate coming home and blah blah blah because I never  come home anymore. Love you pete.  Home has been on my mind a lot lately… I guess especially this semester.  Not a homesick feeling just a thinking about home often feeling.  I wish that through this transitiony period for the family I could help support everyone. Not even support just be there if there is any difference, i don’t know.  Especially Cath. I want to hang out with my sister and  just be myself.  I just love her.  I want to goof around with my siblings and make up dumb nicknames for Catherine like Chicken…How did that come about anyways?  Who knows. I guess it is partially because it’s the end of the semester and Christmas but I am super pumped to go home.  I’m ready for the jokes of me being not part of the family to happen.  I’m ready to be shot by Billy’s imaginary gun.  I’m ready to be annoyed by Peter having his jacket on all the time.  I’m ready to watch Mom get super annoyed with Peter and his little quirks.  I’m ready to eat Catherine’s food cause she won’t let Mom in the kitchen anymore.  I’m ready to laugh at Dad’s silly jokes.  I’m ready to watch Mom sit in her chair and draw or read all day long cause she can do that.  I’m ready to play some board games.  It’s funny how writing this makes me laugh out loud and so sad at the same time.  Anyways.  Happy Break….almost.

I had a little bit of free time today so I started to look through my picture albums that I have.  I got to one I received last year that had a little something extra in it.  It’s just something little, a story or whatever you want to call it.  I read it and reread it and typed it out and reread it again.  It’s unbelievable.  So simple yet so moving.  Something I needed to hear and remember.  Good stuff:

I made her…she is different.

She is unique.

With love I formed her in her mother’s womb.

I fashioned her with great joy.

I remember, with great pleasure, the day I created her.

(Psalm 139:13-16)

I love her smile.

I love her ways.

I love to hear her laugh.

And the silly things she says and does.

She brings me great pleasure.

This is how I made her.

(Psalm 139:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful,

Because I knew her heart, and knew she would be vain…

I wanted her to search out her heart,

And learn that it would be Me in her

That would make her beautiful…

And that it would be Me in her that would draw friends to her.

(1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need Me.

I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be…

Only because…

I need her to learn to depend on Me…

I know her heart and I know that if I had not made her like this,

She would go on her own chosen way and forget Me….her creator.

(Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things…

Because I love her.

(Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:23)

Because I love her,

I have seen her broken heart…

And the tears she cried alone, I have cried with her.

And had a broken heart too.

(Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone

Only because she would not hold My Hand.

So many lessons she has learned the hard way

Because she would not listen to My Voice.

(Isaiah 53:6)

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go

Her merry way alone only to watch her return to my arms,

Sad and broken.

(Isaiah 62:2)

And now she is mine again…

I made her, and then I bought her

Because I love her.

(Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her, to renew her to what

I had planned for her to be.

It has not been easy for her or for Me.

(Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image…

This high goal I have set for her,

Because I love her.

(2 Corinthians 2:14)

Some of the special, unique, and loved girls in my life right now.

Yesterday in a meeting I had, one of my fellow RA’s said that she has been living too much in the future.  I would definitely agree with her.  It’s junior year and we can see the light but have no idea  what the light is, where it’s taking us, or who we’ll be with.  But not only am I living in the future, I’m also living in the past.  Last year was a wonderful year, this summer was an awesome summer, time at home is great when it happens.  Although all of this was great it’s in the past and I can’t dwell there nor can I dwell in the unknown.  I have to trust and believe in Christ.  I need to focus on my life NOW.  I am forgetting about the present time.  There is so much going on right now, so much good!  Yeah, not everything right now is peachy keen but the good outweighs all the bad stuff a ton!  It’s too easy to get caught up in the bad.  Positivity is one of my strengths (thank you strengths finder) so that is what I’m going to be, positive.  So that’s the  challenge for myself, what’s your challenge?

Did you ever have that one thing growing up that made you feel safe?  It seems like a weird thing to ask but I was randomly thinking about it today.  I was thinking about my family and how I missed them today.  I am just getting anxious for fall break to begin.  But it made me think back to something that made me feel safe.  My bedroom is right across the hallway from my parents bedroom.  Before my dad falls asleep he always listens to the radio, usually an Indians game or Cavs game.  This station NEVER comes in clearly on his radio and I do not understand why he continually listens to it, it’s just static.  But as I was thinking about this, it was this static that I heard before I fell asleep that always made me feel safe because I knew my dad was right across the hallway.  It was this noise that reassured me that my dad was always close enough during the night if something would happen.  It’s this noise that I cannot wait to go home and here because I know my dad will be in the next room.  

 

McKee Staff:  Ashley Marshall, Megan Harris, Me, Marti Aiken, Hailey Isiminger, Nancy Gladfelter (picture by Marti Aiken)

So this past weekend the RA staff of McKee went on a retreat to Ohiopyle State Park.  Wow.  Beatiful.  This weekend was so great for several reasons. 

One, it is great to be outside in God’s beautiful creation.  This place is seriously pretty.  With the Youghigeny River and Cucumber Falls and all the mountains it is awesome.  One just has to stand in awe of the beauty.  It’s refreshing to get out of what you are used to and experience a little something different. 

 Two, it was a great retreat becuase I did not think of school at all!  I just thought of the activites we were doing, building fires, and the conversation.  It’s good to get away. 

Third, I realized (not for the first time) how blessed I truly am.  There were several times throughout the weekend where I had to stop and pinch myself to see if it was real.  Being able to be on a staff with the group of girls I am with is just overwhelmingly awesome.  I stopped and took in the goodness of God and his awesomeness.  I can see him through every one of the girls on staff.   I thank him for handpicking us to be together this year and have to have the chance to get to know one another.  Love you guys so much!

Cabin (Cabbage) 196…We love you.

So today was my last day of work as a Student Admissions Counselor.  Weird.  It was a year of change for me.  This was way more than a job.  I met so many awesome people, got pushed out of my comfort zone, and learned a lot about myself.

My life as an admissions counselor ended pretty great.  Even though I went into the summer with a lot of hesitation, it turned out to be great.  It was wrapped up with a 10 day trip in New England and New York.  So great.  New England is pretty much awesome.  My last day in the office was today thought.  It was a normal day with making phone calls and giving three tours.  So normal but so abnormal at the same time. I removed all the post it notes that accumulated over the last several months from the people around my office.  Notes that made me smile, notes that reminded me of phone extensions, notes making fun of people, notes telling me that i’m loved, notes with song lyrics on them.  I knew it would inevitably come but even though I knew it would happen why does it surprise me that’s over.  Why do I feel like something has been taken from me?

It took a lot for me not to break down as soon as I left the office with my collection of my life in admissions.  I can’t say I was completely successful.  Admissions not only was a job during my sophmore year but it also represented my summer.  My job is done so summer is done too.  Again, the inevitable has hit.

When I was telling Rachel that I was upset about it being over she says in her Rachel way, it’s called change, get over it.  And I just said I don’t like change!  THEN as I was sulking and eating my dark chocolate Dove my promise said this:  “Change is everywhere all the time.  See it, accept it, and you’ll be fine.”

Alright.  Bring on junior year.  I’m ready.

So why do people think that it’s embarrassing to show emotion?  People say that being emotional is a bad thing.

I think that hiding your emotions sucks.  When I feel like crying and I feel like I shouldn’t, that’s silly.

I find myself being very emotional this summer.  Not that I’m upset at a lot of things but just that little things bring tears to my eyes.  Listening to Celtic Woman, reading the Bible, remembering my childhood, watching a movie or reading a book, a hug, a dead fish, weddings.  I think that showing your emotions is a sign of being strong.  Being able to humble yourself and say that that thing is so powerful it can bring tears to my eyes.

When I was in a postition that I thought would be inappropriate to cry at I was reading a book and then that was my segway into the blubbering tears.  I was with a fellow student, male.  I didn’t want him to see me cry but the book brought it on and I couldn’t stop.  He said that he feels closer to a person when he sees them cry.  I said well then you must feel really close to me.  He said it shows vulnerablity and that you don’t have to pretend to be a strong person all the time, it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.  He’s a wise guy this one.

I just think that being emotional is a good thing.

I’m at home right now sitting in the living room with my sister.  She’s doing the crossword like everymorning and I’m on the computer with VH1 music in the background.  Right now, this very moment, I wouldn’t want anything different for my life to just be with her.  Last night was even better.  My whole family (minus Dave and Len) just sat around the living room watching the Cavs clean up!  This is right where I want to be.  You never know when something is going to happen and that someone isn’t going to be around.  One of my very best friends lost her father this past week.  I can’t even imagine.  No one should have to go through this pain and hurt but everyone has to while spending time on their earthly home.  It’s comforting to know that this kind man is rejoicing in Heaven right now after a long couple weeks on Earth.  That’s the hope we have…When I heard that he passed the main thing I wanted to do was get home and see my family.  I know I will have to eventually go through this pain but I know that my family members will be finally at home in Heaven.  For now though, I will treasure my time with them….by making banana bread.  My sister is now yelling at me to help her make banana bread.  Obviously I will help her, just so we can goof around and be silly.

my best friend.

My family.

I’m here at Geneva, my second home, a place I have grown to truly love.  Usually this sentence is written in the fall, winter, or spring.  However, it’s summer and I’m still here.  I can’t get away from it, which is a good thing.  I never would have thought I’d be here over the summer working 30 hours a week in an office. 

It was a hard adjustment.  Living in the apartments, weird.  Being one of like 20 people on campus, weird.  Being away from my family for the summer, weird.  Being on campus without the people who make Geneva Geneva, weird.  Having so much space for my stuff, weird.  Making all my meals, weird.  Not working beside Cassi, weird. 

It’s different, but so good.  I can’t wait to see what this summer will bring.

Life is made up of choices. Some more important than others but still choices.  Some of these choices you know you have to make in the future. 

School is out and i’m done with my sophmore year.  Otherwise known as half way done with college.  This is depressing.  I know Ihave more time to think about life after school but I know this choice is in the near the future. 

I grew up in Bedford County, this is my home, I love this place.  I have lived in Beaver County the past two years.  I’ve grown to love this area so much.  I sometimes think that I have two homes.  Where will I be after college?  I don’t know.  I’ve just been thinking about my future a lot since school is over and summer is here.  I’m not to worried about it but just thinking about all the possiblities. 

It’s up to you God.  I have empty hands, you can fill them.